10 Things I Never Wanted to Know About You

When I was entering college, I didn't even know what the Internet was (apparently, Al Gore hadn't done a good enough job yet of advertising his invention :). I remember sitting in the University library trying to navigate my first Web page, telling my soon-to-be wife, "this thing will never catch on." It was too slow, cumbersome, and difficult to find things.

How things have changed in a decade or two. Now, we do most of our shopping for birthdays and Christmas on the Internet and actually going somewhere, rather than doing it online, is kind of a pain.

And we all have Blogs. I swore I'd never read one when I first heard the name. Not knowing it was a combination of Web plus Log, I was convinced if someone couldn't think of a better name than "blog", it wasn't worth looking into. Now, I write in one and so do more and more people every day. It's kind of nice...you almost don't have to talk to people anymore...just check into their blog every few days and you are instantly caught up on their life. And sometimes you know more than you may have ever wanted to know about their life. I guess it's the Jerry Springer effect--somehow it is easier to share things with the entire world that you would normally be too embarrassed to tell anyone privately.

In this spirit, here are 10 things I hope to never find on your blog(my apologies to any friends or family who have actually posted any of these things in their blogs...I assure you this is not written about you ...I'm talking about all those other weird people out there).

10) How many pimples you popped on your spouse's back, face, or any other body part yesterday.

9) Anything about body parts, for that matter. Or how smelly you or someone else you love is.

8) Pictures of your naked children, especially if they are placed in cabbage leaves or other strange things.

7) Anything that mentions your affiliation with, support of or sympathy for Oprah or anything she endorses.

6) Thanks for posting your favorite music on your blog. If I would like to listen to it, I will click on it, but please give me my agency so I can read your blog in peace rather than force-feeding me music I would never choose to enjoy. After all, I may have vowed never to listen to Enya again, and I wouldn't want to be forced to break my promise just because I'm visiting your blog (I know I could mute the sound, but even with the sound muted, some really repulsive artists somehow magically get their music waves into your system...probably through your fingers or something).

5) All of your pet peeves, spelled out in great detail. Come on, give us something uplifting to read. This one guy went on and on about hating camping and stuff...it was like he couldn't say anything positive...

4) Things that make my wife feel like she is not as good of a mother as you are. So, please keep it real and post lots of pictures of your over-piled laundry, dirty rooms, and messy children. Also, mention how you yell at them occasionally, ignore them while you do self-indulgent things and any other parenting imperfections you can think of, so that we will know you are human too.

3) That someone else MADE you write a blog. You know, like the following entry:
"There I was, minding my own business, when the entire country of China called and demanded that I create a blog. I really didn't want to do it, but since they insisted, I will now begin writing about all my personal business for all the world to see.(By the way, when they called, China did mention what a great writer I am, which is why then INSISTED, I create this blog)".

2) Anything about your new multilevel marketing company, how it sells itself or you'd like to help me become rich, for a small startup fee.

1) Entries that should have been marked: "Warning: For women only", but weren't. I'll go ahead and make you a promise: If you'll mark it that way, I promise I won't read that entry. This, more than maybe anything else, may help solve the "Wow, I REALLY, REALLY didn't want to know that" syndrome.